Banned from the Fun
by AGroovie1
Summary: Songfic to the tune of Band on the Run from Paul McCartney and Wings. Enjoy! Quickly turned into A Day in the life of Hogan's Heroes Beatle parody album! Now 8 songs in one and branching out away from the Beatles.
1. Banned from the Fun

This was written in response to the SmartGroups song-fic challenge issued by Marg – to "adapt" the song _Band on the Run_ by Paul McCartney and Wings to our heroes from Stalag 13.

As usual, no claim is made on the characters from the Hogan's Heroes universe.

So put on your headphones, put on the song by Sir Paul, and enjoy!

**Featured Track – Banned from the Fun  
**(To the tune of _Band on the Run_, Paul McCartney and Wings)

**-Stage Announcer-  
**This is the story of prisoners Richard Baker and Vladimir "Sam" Minsk and their frustration with constantly being left out of the fan fiction stories.

_-lights dim, spotlight appears illuminating Richard Baker-  
-music starts, slow tempo-_

**-Baker-  
**Stuck inside this tunnel,  
Seemingly forever,  
Hardly seeing no one,  
Missed again ... By you ... Authors ...  
You ... Authors ... you

_-music transitions - spotlight moves to illuminate Sam Minsk-_

**-Minsk-  
**If I ever get noticed here,  
Think I'll go and faint dead away,  
Not asking for charity,  
All I need is a line a day,  
If I ever get noticed here,

_-Spotlight illuminates both men-_

**-Baker and Minsk-  
**If we ever get noticed here.

_-music transitions again-  
-spotlight illuminates the rest of the prisoners, playing various instruments-_

**-Carter-  
**Well the bridge exploded with a mighty crash  
As we broke into a run.  
And old Newkirk said as we got out of there,  
I hope you're having fun.  
Banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun,  
And that Baker man, and Russian Sam,  
Were nowhere to be found

**-Baker and Minsk-  
**'Cause we're banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun.

**-Newkirk-  
**Well the fiction writer drew a heavy sigh  
Seeing no one else around.  
So he wrote down the name of a new character  
And the high jinx do abound  
Banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun,  
And that Baker man, and Russian Sam,  
Were nowhere to be found

**-Baker and Minsk-  
**'Cause we're banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun.

**-LeBeau-  
**Well the night was falling as the prison camp  
Began to settle down.  
In the town we're sipping on our steins of beer,  
But they never will be found.  
Banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun.

**-Hogan-  
**Do the readers care  
If they are there?  
I doubt that they'll be found.

**-Baker and Minsk-  
**'Cause we're banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun,  
Banned from the fun.


	2. A Hard Day's Night

**Bonus Track – A Hard Day's Night  
**(To the Beatles tune of the same name)

**-Ed Sullivan-  
**And now, here they are back again ... The HEROES!

_-ear piercing screams-_

It's been a hard day's night  
And I've been running from the dogs  
It's been a hard day's night  
Old Klink is sleeping like a log  
But I've had tough work to do  
There were three bridges that blew  
And now I feel all right

I'm in the camp all day  
We're printing money and planning things  
It would be worth it just to hear Schultz say  
I know nothing, nothing  
So why on earth should I moan  
I got Klink's car on a loan  
And now I feel okay

When I roam, everything seems to go right  
When I roam, creeping around in the night, night, yeah

It's been a hard day's night  
And I've been running from the dogs  
It's been a hard day's night  
Old Klink is sleeping like a log  
But I've had tough work to do  
There were three bridges that blew  
And now I feel all right


	3. Stalag Luft 13

**Bonus Track – Stalag Luft 13  
**(To the tune of _Yellow Submarine_, The Beatles)

**-Newkirk-  
**In the town of Hammelburg  
At the Hofbrau we met a bird  
And she told us of her plan  
Said that Hogan was the man

So the depot went and blew  
From the charges that we threw  
Then we went away unseen  
Back to Stalag Luft 13

**-All-  
**We all live here in Stalag Luft 13  
Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13  
We all live here in Stalag Luft 13  
Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13

**-Newkirk-  
**When the Krauts get all too bored  
We can fool them even more  
With the games that we will play

_-brass band plays interlude-_

**-All-  
**We all live here in Stalag Luft 13  
Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13  
We all live here in Stalag Luft 13  
Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13

**-Newkirk-  
**Hochstetter yells and he screams  
Colonel Hogan just looks serene  
As he views the funny scene  
Here at Stalag Luft 13

**-All-  
**We all live here in Stalag Luft 13  
Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13  
We all live here in Stalag Luft 13  
Stalag Luft 13, Stalag Luft 13


	4. Ob la di, Ob la da

**Bonus Track – Ob-la-di Ob-la-da  
**(To the Beatles tune of the same name)

**-Hogan-  
**Klink's the Kommandant of our small prison camp  
Burkhalter commands him from Berlin  
Burkhalter screams at him till his face is damp  
And in his chair Klink sits there cowering again

**-All-  
**Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah  
Send him to the Russian Front  
Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah  
Send him to the Russian Front

**-Hogan-  
**Klink he takes his staff car out to Paris France  
Has it stolen quicker than a wink  
Tries to get it back from the Gestapo man  
But his plan backfires as he's thrown into the klink

**-All-  
**Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah  
Send him to the Russian Front  
Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah  
Send him to the Russian Front

**-Hogan-  
**And it doesn't take long to get sent  
so far from home  
With the freezing cold wind blowing in his face  
Enough to make old Klink moan

Hochstetter is screaming that some heads will roll  
Klink just sits there shaking like a leaf  
Opens up his mouth and says a stupid thing  
And in the morning he's on a train heading east.

**-All-  
**Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah  
Send him to the Russian Front  
Ob-la-di ob-la-da Russian Front yeah  
Send him to the Russian Front

**-Hogan-  
**And if you want some fun  
**-All-  
**Head to the Russian Front.


	5. Colonel Hogan's Allied Air Corps Band

**Bonus Tracks – Colonel Hogan's Allied Air Corps Band / With a Little Help from my Friends  
**(To the tune of _Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band_, The Beatles, and the Beatles tune of the same name)

**-Olsen-  
**It was some three years ago today  
Colonel Hogan asked the band to stay  
They've done sabotage with flair and style  
And they're always apt to raise a smile  
So may I introduce to you  
They act you've loved for all these years  
Colonel Hogan's Allied Air Corps Band

**-The Band-  
**We're Colonel Hogan's Allied Air Corps Band  
We hope to make the bridges blow  
We're Colonel Hogan's Allied Air Corps Band  
Be back in time for morning roll  
Colonel Hogan's Allied  
Colonel Hogan's Allied  
Colonel Hogan's Allied Air Corps Band

The German's keep us in here  
It's certainly no thrill  
We're stuck inside the barbwire fence  
We'd like to be back home real soon, we'd like to be back home

**-Olsen-  
**Well they really want the bridge to blow  
But I thought you might like to know  
That it's really going to make some noise  
That we want you all to just enjoy  
So let me introduce to you  
The one and only Andrew C.  
And Colonel Hogan's Allied Air Corps Band

**-The Band-  
**Andrew C.

**-Carter-  
**What would you do if I blew up the bridge  
Would you come along and help me win  
Hand me that charge and I'll put it in place  
And I'll try not to mess up again

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends  
Mmm, Blew sky-high with a little help from my friends  
Mmm, Going to try with a little help from my friends

**-Carter-  
**What do I do when I am on my way  
**-The Band-  
**Does it worry you to go alone  
**-Carter-  
**How do I feel when I'm sneaking away  
**-The Band-  
**Are you sad because you're on your own

**-Carter-  
**No, I get by with a little help from my friends  
Mmm, sky-high with a little help from my friends  
Mmm, going to try with a little help from my friends

**-The Band-  
**Do you need anybody  
**-Carter-  
**I need somebody to help  
**-The Band-  
**Could it be anybody  
**-Carter-  
**I want somebody to help

**-The Band-  
**Would you believe in success the first try  
**-Carter-  
**Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time  
**-The Band-  
**Where will you be when they turn out the light  
**-Carter-  
**I can't tell you, but I know I'm fine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends  
Mmm, Sky-high with a little help from my friends  
Oh I'm going to try with a little help from my friends

**-The Band-  
**Do you need anybody  
**-Carter-  
**I need somebody to help  
**-The Band-  
**Could it be anybody  
**-Carter-  
**I want somebody to help

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends  
Mmm, Going to try with a little help from my friends  
Oh, blew sky-high with a little help from my friends  
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends  
With a little help from my friends


	6. Wash My Car

**Bonus Track – Wash My Car  
**(To the tune of _Drive My Car_, The Beatles)

**-Klink-  
**Ask Hogan, with my car what is wrong  
He said Colonel, won't be long  
I'm needed for business, in need of my ride  
But you've got something you're trying to hide

Hogan don't you wash my car  
Sometimes you can go too far  
Hogan don't you wash my car  
You know I don't trust you

I told Hogan that it looked pretty good  
He said Colonel, that's understood  
Said it was dirty, covered with grime  
But I think you are stalling for time

Hogan don't you wash my car  
Sometimes you can go too far  
Hogan don't you wash my car  
You know I don't trust you

Beep beep'm beep beep yeah

_-guitar licks courtesy of Sgt. Andrew Carter-_

Hogan don't you wash my car  
Sometimes you can go too far  
Hogan don't you wash my car  
You know I don't trust you

I told Hogan I must leave right away  
And he said listen Klink, I got something to say  
You got no car and it's breaking my heart  
But Schultz is your driver and that's a start

Hogan don't you wash my car  
Sometimes you can go too far  
Hogan don't you wash my car  
You know I don't trust you

Beep beep'm beep beep yeah


	7. Demolition Man

_Author's Note_: Inspiration for this tune came from Nancy (nom-de-plume) when she posted a Beatles parody _Demolition Man_ (to the tune of _Nowhere Man_). Since The Police had recorded a song by the same name, I looked into it - and found that very little had to be changed to turn it into a tune that our beloved Sgt. Andrew Carter could have written about himself. (Exaggerating slightly, wouldn't you think?)

**Bonus Track - Demolition Man  
**(To the tune of Demolition Man, The Police)

**-Carter-**  
Wiring the tracks and the train's just coming  
Strapped to the rail with the timer running  
Colonel says this was a brilliant plan  
I don't mess around, I'm the demolition man

Tied to a chair leg, the bomb is ticking  
This situation was not of his picking  
Colonel says this was a brilliant plan  
I don't mess around, I'm the demolition man

I'm a walking nightmare, an arsenal of doom  
I kill all the Nazi's as I blow the conference room  
I'm a blacksnake whip  
I'm the sort of thing they ban  
I'm a walking disaster  
I'm a demolition man

They hunt for me like a moth hunts the flame  
I mimic Hitler -they don't know my game  
And the flames I just love to fan  
'Cos I'm no Nazi's friend  
I'm a demolition man

I'm a walking nightmare, an arsenal of doom  
I kill all the Nazi's as I blow the conference room  
I'm a blacksnake whip  
I'm the sort of thing they ban  
I'm a walking disaster  
I'm a demolition man


	8. Stalagian Pie

**Bonus Track – Stalagian Pie  
**(To the tune of American Pie, Don McLean) 

_Author's Note: Inspiration for this tune came from Patti's posting to SmartGroups about the anniversary of the airing of the final episode of the series. (The day the laughter died.) American Pie was rather appropriate – many instances I could simply use words from the original song. Credit for the title goes to Brian D. who changed the title of the message thread on the SmartGroups list to this – again, rather appropriate!_

A long, long time ago  
I can still remember how that sitcom used to make me smile  
The network took away their chance  
For them to make the people laugh and keep them feeling happy for a while  
The tension really made me shiver  
With every message Kinch delivered  
Bad news the last season  
Kinch left without a reason  
I can't remember if I cried or if I just wanted to goand hide  
But something touched me deep inside  
The day, the laughter died.

So,  
Bye Bye to the prisoner guys  
Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye  
Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine  
Singing Hogan is a really great guy  
Hogan is a really great guy.

Hogan steals the book of codes  
And Schultz seeks help from God above, just when Hogan tells him so  
Hochstetter believes Hogan's the one  
Burkhalter joins in on the fun  
And Helga warns him when he better run  
Well I know that she's in love with him  
'Cause she's always up to helping them  
The men kicked off their boots  
'Cause they got those tunneling blues  
It was a hard job with which they were stuck  
Picking up downed flyers in a German truck  
But one day we were out of luck  
The day, the laughter died.

We started singing,  
Bye Bye to the prisoner guys  
Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye  
Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine  
Singing Hogan is a really great guy  
Hogan is a really great guy.

For thirty years we've been on our own  
With tapes and DVD's to own, but that's not how it used to be  
When syndicated shows first were seen  
With scenes cut out, it's so obscene, for ads to be aimed to you and me  
Oh and while the network thought they'd won  
The local stations stole the fun  
The sitcom was returned, no more were we spurned  
Then Nick-at-Nite was on the mark  
Our quintet tunneled in the dark  
And we sang praises with a spark  
But then, the laughter died.

We were singing,  
Bye Bye to the prisoner guys  
Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye  
Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine  
Singing Hogan is a really great guy  
Hogan is a really great guy.

Klink Commandos in a summer rerun  
The boys were tasked with another mission, with the thought it was their last  
A Count came into the camp  
With something tempting in his hand and Marya as his sole supporting cast  
Now Marya smelled of sweet perfume  
As the Colonel felt a sense of doom  
He tried to steal the plans  
Oh, but he never got the chance  
'Cause as Newkirk tried to pick the lock  
The Count woke up and they were caught  
Their efforts all went for naughtAnd then, the laughter died.

They started singing,  
Bye Bye to the prisoner guys  
Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye  
Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine  
Singing Hogan is a really great guy  
Hogan is a really great guy.

Oh and there they were all on the train  
With Klink grimacing in such pain, he was not where he chose to be  
Aw come on, Klink be nimble, Klink be quick  
Wilhelm lay it on real thick, and try to get back to Germany  
Oh and as I watched it on the screen  
My hands were clapping, what a scene  
As Hogan went through hell  
To break Marya's spell  
And as the train sped East into the night  
The Count defected with no fight  
And Marya laughed with such delight  
But then, the laughter died.

She was singing,  
Bye Bye to the prisoner guys  
Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye  
Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine  
Singing Hogan is a really great guy  
Hogan is a really great guy.

On SmartGroups we all heard the news  
And we asked them for the good reviews, someone bought the DVD's that day  
I went down to the sacred store  
Where I'd bought videos before, I grabbed the discs and stood in line to pay  
And on the disc the pilot played  
Some scenes were cut and I dismayed  
As Season One was showing, the LEDs were glowing  
And for three days I watched them all  
From start to finish, had a ball  
I watched the last one with a pall  
'Cause then, the laughter died.

And they were singing,  
Bye Bye to the prisoner guys  
Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye  
Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine  
Singing Hogan is a really great guy  
Hogan is a really great guy.

They were singing,  
Bye Bye to the prisoner guys  
Drove the Nazi's pretty nutsy and then spit in their eye  
Them good old boys were drinking Klink's schnapps and wine  
Singing Hitler is a pig in a sty.


End file.
